


The Rime of the Ancient Marinara Sauce (or, Bad Times at the Hotel Splendide)

by soufflegirl91



Series: 007 Fest Creations [20]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies), James Bond - All Media Types
Genre: Hotel Splendide is so bad it has no fandom, I'm so sorry, Limericks, M/M, apparently, crossover day, it's a story, made of limericks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2020-07-25 16:16:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20028694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soufflegirl91/pseuds/soufflegirl91
Summary: A story in limericks about Chef Q and Agent Bond, how they overcame adversity and lived happily ever after, never to eat bland food again





	The Rime of the Ancient Marinara Sauce (or, Bad Times at the Hotel Splendide)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [christinefromsherwood](https://archiveofourown.org/users/christinefromsherwood/gifts).

> Cross-posted to Tumblr
> 
> For crossover day. You can blame christinefromsherwood for this one. I’m not sure it’s what you had in mind, but I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> Actually fleshing this out into a real story felt too potentially scarring, so have ridiculous poetry, instead. Hotel Splendide does not deserve the effort of a coherent plot :p
> 
> I suppose this technically counts as an AU, but I’m posting it for crossover day. Just take out baby!Craig and Toni Collette and replace them with Q and Bond, ok?

In a hotel so remote and grim,

chef Q’s pot was filled to the brim.

He tries to make them improve

but they are stuck in a groove,

and so Hotel Splendide’s profits are slim.

-

One day, in walked through the door,

Agent Bond with a face that was dour.

He got lost on a mission

to stop nuclear fission,

the villain’s lair hiding on the sea floor.

-

Bond, he tried to order a meal

which turned into a hectic ordeal.

Q said “I can’t cook that

because it contains fat,

can I tempt you with unsalted veal?”

-

Bond replied “What, no spices, you say?

How do you manage to make people pay

for this tasteless food?”

Frankly, he was quite rude.

Q seethed for the rest of the day.

-

“Come on, big shot, if you are so good.

Make something better if you think you could.”

Q showed Bond the bare cupboards

which didn’t even stock mustard.

Q’s hard work, Bond had misunderstood.

-

Bond eyed the room in despair

and could not find even a pear.

No salt and no pepper,

and the fridge was no better.

Of flavour, it was truly bare.

-

“Now, you see the work I must do

to make food that is easy to chew?

They only let me cook bland stuff

and it all comes out so tough.

My patience has worn it’s way through.”

-

Bond said “Let me put in a call,”

then made his way to the hall,

asking for a food shipment

and some better equipment,

because for Q he had started to fall.

-

Bond told Q “I must leave in a hurry.”

To the beach, he then started to scurry.

Q followed behind him

thinking ‘odd time for a swim.’

About Bond’s sanity, he started to worry.

-

A helicopter appeared out of nowhere

landing on the sand that was so bare.

They dropped bags of supplies,

took Bond up to the skies,

on to find his villain’s evil lair.

-

Now Bond, we know, he always saves the day.

He put the dastardly bastard away.

Returning to the hotel,

he thought ‘what is that nice smell?’

Things had changed a lot since his last stay.

-

In the kitchen, he saw a new scene.

Q was smiling and the kitchen was clean

“You’re just in time for dinner,

I think this one’s a winner.

About this, even you won’t be mean.“

-

The marinara sauce was so great,

no one left any scraps on their plate.

The recipe was from Q’s Nan.

Bond said he was a great fan.

Now this was a meal he could rate.

-

“Why do you stray from the city so far

when you could have a Michelin star?”

Bond was very confused.

What did Q have to lose?

“With the right goods, you’re well above par.”

-

You see, Q was an excellent cook,

But his family lived by their own book.

His brother was quite insane,

his sister’s “spa” plans caused pain,

his dead mother had been quite a crook.

-

“Come with me and start a new life.

The spice shops, you’ll find they are rife.

You can stay in my flat,

maybe buy a new cat,

just don’t you dare blunt my favourite knife.”

-

On that day, Q packed up and left.

His sister, Cora, she felt quite bereft.

Q said, “why not come and visit,

it’s not much fun here, is it?”

So she followed with swiftness so deft.

-

They all lived happily ever after.

Sergei came with his bird from the rafters.

I hear the hotel blew up,

no warning, quite abrupt.

To Q this news was met with much laughter.


End file.
